Being a Widow

I came to realize today as I’ve been thinking of my past and the decisions that I’ve made. I came to think of the what if. What if I married Mr.____ than my husband I would not have become a widow? Although I only have one past boyfriend than my husband there could have been many other possibilities. I will only enter a relationship for the purpose of marriage so that has made me very picky.

No offense to my husband but I love my life today. Life as a widow has its pros and cons just like a wife has. You are the only one who will decide especially financial decisions which suits me. In marriage any decision that a spouse do can really affect the family more importantly financial decisions. What a person decides especially also involving morality will seriously affect the marriage and jealousy is the most annoying part of a relationship. Distrust as the effect of unfaithfulness is also exasperating and can weaken any relationship that was built for years. Whether we admit it or not we are just human and imperfect as we are, were prone to mistakes. I just hope no one in a relationship will make it as an excuse to be unfaithful but that is what usually happens. The feeling that involves all of this is really a waste of our precious time. What I dont like about marriage is the chaotic tendencies of a married life and all the emotions that is involved in it.  The tug of war in making decision and accepting failed expectations.

 What I only hate about the state I'm in is dealing with loneliness of being a widow but being married doesnt spare anyone from feeling the same way too. Living this life we must put it into our mindset that all we have today are just borrowed and one day God will take it back, even our life. We will work hard to accumulate all the things we have today but in the end we will die and we will lose all of it. Experience is all that matters because it can’t be taken away from us. Our experiences in this life will become a part of our soul. I made a vow to myself that I’m going to live a beautiful life without regrets but also without jeopardizing the welfare of my children because they are my top priority.

Thus, we all should live this life without regrets because no matter what happens, we should remember that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called for his purpose.

The scent of your perfume

It’s been more than a year since I posted in this blog because my husband died in 2011 and my life as a widow is a big adjustment for me. I guess life must go on and my heart continuous beating. I have two children to love and be loved in return and I guess love just never run out if you share it with someone.

It is really hard to move on if you lost someone you love especially if it is your spouse but life must go on because you have to love yourself too. Self love is the most important thing in this world because no matter what happens you can still survive. If you don’t love yourself enough you cannot share it with someone and you will never be happy. If the person you love is the only thing that makes you happy then you cannot survive the challenges of life and might as well dig your own grave. Happiness comes from within; you have to celebrate life ‘because you only have one life to live.

When he died, I cried almost everyday. Even before he died I cried everyday because I’ve seen him suffered in the ICU. I think if crying extensively can kill I would have died. It is the most painful part of my life that I would never want to experience again.

When I was growing up, I use to read fairytales and hope someday I would also meet my prince charming. I did meet him but life is no fairytale. It is so difficult to find your mate and then gone in an instant, like a flick of a finger. When I married my husband I came to realize that there is no such thing as a prince charming just an ogre called SHREK but despite his flaws I still loved him. Love is really not superficial but accepting the person as he is, imperfect, rude and sometimes hard headed.

Today, I still miss him especially when I see a man that resembles him. Man in uniform that is for sure, I would stare at a policeman and see my husband in them. I would look at Coco Martin’s cute smile and I would remember him looking at me. I remember him when I smell his perfume on others and even when I see his gesture or body movement from someone. Remembering him doesn’t give me tears anymore but it would put a smile on my face because I reminisce the good times we had than the bad times. Life is after all like a music, there is a high tune and a low tune and the inevitable ending.

Every Child is different

I’ve got this realization from our long Christmas holiday because during that time my child’s nanny went home for the holidays and I’m the one who takes care of my 2nd child at home. I think every child is different from the other because they already have their own character at birth and although their surroundings influence them, they already have their own personality. I realized that I don’t know my daughter anymore because she already has mood swings and tantrums that I’m not really used to before. My eldest son is already 4 years old and he will be turning five this Jan. 2, 2011. He is already in nursery school and his grandmother takes him to school everyday. In our present circumstance right now, I can’t really be with him everyday but I’m happy to know that he remembers the time that we are together when he is still younger. I don’t really want to reminisce because I don’t want to feel hurt over the things that I can’t seem to do anything about. I think the child remembers memories as early as two years from birth and my son remembers me well.

My son is entirely different from his sister in so many ways when he was her age. My daughter now is two years and five months old and I think she really wanted to have whatever she wants because she would not take no for an answer. Unlike her brother she would cry longer if she wants something and sad to say she would swing her hands at me which I find very annoying. I think every child is different and there is no such thing as the only way of disciplining a child because children vary from the other. I know my daughter requires much understanding than her brother. I must bear that in mind every time she had her tantrums.