Understanding Love

It is time to love again. This is from the heart and mind of a widow.  Whatever we feel, even the most painful experiences such as death of a beloved, the human spirit always yearn for someone to belong to.  I think it is what makes us human. A woman is made for a man, just like a man belongs to a woman.  Just as what God, has said, It is not good for a man to be alone, so he made him someone that has a part of him, a companion to make this life good.

The greatest love is still on loving yourself, because this will be your guide in finding the right person to belong to.  Here are the things that I have realized, I don’t know if this is applicable to both man and woman, but this is a woman’s perception. So you know it is definitely applicable to women. Although love is universal, every person is different.

1.       Love hurts but it is okay

So, you are in love again, you think so because you feel it.  Well, what is a feeling anyway? Is it like hunger where you feed and then you are satisfied? Feelings are fleeting but it is not love.  You are hurt because you thought, this person loved you but in the end, he really does not? Or you are so guilty because you thought you love the person but in the end you really don’t?

Love is so confusing you say? But this is not really love, it is just a feeling, so it does not last. There was once a girl that cries because her boyfriend dump her, I am sometimes very frank and unfeeling to this kind of situation, that I told her, she must be grateful for it.

Well, you can just imagine her confusion to what I just said, so I explained, It just means you can move on now.  At least, he was honest to you now, you can just imagine if he married you, and then realized that he really does not want you.                                                                                                                     

So you see, Love hurts but really it is okay, after all. You are still alive so be sensible.  He is not the one for you, so be grateful instead and move on. How can you meet your soulmate if you are stuck with the wrong man.

2.       Finding the right one and being found

If you are one of those people who is always searching for the one, but gets hurt over and over again.  It might be that you are the one that should be found.  Do you realize this?  Sometimes, you are so busy looking around that you fail to see that someone is already there for you.  That person has found you and you are just so dumb to see it.

Well, we are dumb sometimes so there.  So how do you know that the person is really the one for you? It is just simple; you enjoy each other’s company even without the sex thing.  Oh I said it.

Love is not just desire or feelings, it is friendship and companionship, and this is what makes it everlasting.

You must love and respect each other.  You care for that person deeply and you want their happiness.  You have so much in common that it’s really not hard to talk to them at all.

The most important thing is that you should be yourself when you are with this person, even your yucky self.  Distasteful as it seems, but you have to be loved as you are.  It will never last if you pretended to be somebody you are not.  It is so exhausting to live up to someone’s expectation. Sooner you will reveal the real you and then the person then realize that he really does not want you at all.  In the end you are still hurt. So be honest from the start.  It is a waste of time to pretend. Be true to yourself.

3.       Be Brave and Love without expectations

Living a great life is to be brave at heart.  It is always the right thing to do.  We only live once, would it be nicer if you give it your all? It would be too late to realize that on your deathbed.

Loving with expectations hurt us so much, that we cower at the thought of commitment.  We must love without expectations.  We must be vulnerable in love and give it our all. If it fails, you can get hurt but you are still gonna be okay. Show the world that nothing can break you.

We have to realize that every person is different from us. We have different capacities and we are not created equally the same. We have to give our 100% when we love. When we expect too much from our partner and we are always measuring their efforts in our own understanding of love they will always fall short of our expectation.

 In other words they do not fit our own definition of love. This will create tension in our relationship. What we can do is to focus on their positive characters more than their weaknesses

We are not perfect but loving should be accepting everything even the imperfections.

Before loving someone we should be whole first. Partnership is not codependency. It does not mean that an individual should be half of another. It means that you are a strong individual that is happy even by yourself and does not depend on another human being to make you happy.  That kind of relationship is toxic because you expect too much from another to be happy. It can become a burden. Happiness comes from within and it should emanate from you.

4. Love yourself

This is the golden rule.  All love comes from loving yourself. It determines your happiness.  Life is like a mirror after all. You get what you give.  If you hate yourself, probably you let others do something to you even if you don’t like it, as long as the person likes you.

Love yourself above all, because how can you love other people when you don’t know what love is?  People can trample on you, play games on you, but you let them do it , so you will just feel loved and needed.  That is a pathetic way too live.  There is no one to blame but yourself.  Learn to walk away from anyone who treats you badly.  People who does not love themself enough always have the feeling of lack, meaning, they always think that nobody else will love them aside from their current partner who mistreated them.  You must have an abundance mentality and our thoughts can change our life. We are the owner of our thoughts and feelings so we must be strong enough to control them. Inner strength and Self love are the things that can make our life beautiful and full of abundance.

There are millions single available men in this world and all you need is one. So dont ever get stuck with the wrong man. Love yourself enough to detach yourself from someone who does not deserve you.

Above all, do not pretend affection; be true to yourself at all times. Do not love only because of how you feel at the moment.  Loving is commitment, because even if the desire and lust is gone you are still there to stay.  Friendship, respect, trust and love is the foundation of a lasting companionship.

I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.

Gone were the days when I would read novels or fairy tales.  I just don’t believe in that stuff anymore.  It is just a product of the author’s optimism in love. I happen to know that sense and sensibilities’ author was a spinster who vowed that all her stories will end in a happy ever after so unlike her real life love story.

The irony is that in reality so many of us are just in love with the idea of love.   When it wears off, we just move on to another relationship believing that Mr. Perfect has not yet crossed our path.  In reality there is no such thing as Mr. Perfect, only acceptance that this person is okay for you.  A person has two faces the bad and the good.  If you can live with the bad side of that person it could be that you accepted him/her but it does not necessarily mean that you love him/her. There are many reasons why people stay in a relationship even if it soured not just love.  If you are in an abusive relationship would you still stay because you love the person? Or you just stay because you are afraid to be alone?

 Abusive relationship means not just the physical aspect but also the emotional one which hurts the most. One example of an emotional one is when you are married to an unfaithful partner.  The person knows that his/her partner is hurting but continued on with numerous affairs even to the extent of being caught.  Can you stop that kind of person from doing what he/she does? Sadly, no you just can’t decide for her/him but you can decide for yourself.  Love yourself, this is just the answer and if you do that you can live a blissful life. What my mother teaches me every day is to love myself more than anyone else. Never let anybody hurt you.  She always told me that whatever life brings to my marriage I have to bear it but if my husband is a womanizer this must not be tolerated. Life is just too short to waste it with someone who just isn't worth it. 

Honestly, if you are going to have a relationship, you have to bear in mind that people have two faces. If you can put up with his/her bad side then continue on with your happily ever after.  As for me, I think fairy tales are only in the books.

Reminiscing our wedding day

 

It was this day, in the year 2005 that we have exchanged our vows.  I could not explain in exact words how I felt that day but I realized that it was through our marriage that my eyes were opened to the realities of life.   How it really means to say the vows and really live it. Truly experience is a great teacher.  You cannot really be prepared for just mere theories about life; you just have to live it in order to learn.   It is just like learning to swim, you cannot learn by just listening what to do, you have to plunge in water in order to learn how to swim.  All I know that time was I am truly passionately in love with you and I prayed to God that he would make you my husband.  I was never really been away from my parents for so long before but I would leave them just for you.  To live my life, hand in hand with you.

I thank God for having you in my life because I became tougher.  The experiences we had made me strong and that strength had equipped me well in dealing with life today.   Our love entered so many tests, some of it we passed but still in some areas we failed.  Our marriage was not perfect; it brought me tears, heartache and failed expectations.   Despite all of this I had no regrets. I do believe that in life there are no accidents, all of these things happen for a reason. When you are stubborn and strong-willed you learn the hard way. 

I could honestly say, at age 27, I was an unprepared mother.  Frankly, I don’t like children so I don’t have the skill to deal with them. It is only through motherhood that I learn how to love them.  I am forever grateful to you for giving me two beautiful children. They are my inspiration and the reason why I smile every day.

Equilibrium

Last night I watched again at home one of my favorite movies “Equilibrium.” It is not a very popular movie, I think it is not even a blockbuster like most movies but I like it for its story.  It is an era where society suppresses emotions or feelings because feelings like rage, jealousy and pride will one way or another lead to murder or war. Also they destroy everything that makes a man senses or feel like work of art such as painting, literatures, music, also things like perfume and even animals that only make for pets such as dogs. 

 There are times that the medicine that they use to suppress emotion could be an advantage especially if you really want not to feel.   I mean emotion alone is chaos. You have to suppress your emotion, such as anger, jealousy, grief and even love.   Not everyone knows how to do that so there lays the dilemma. Some people give in to anger; jealousy and some people give in to love. Do you agree that too much love is not a good thing?  Why do you think parents spoil their child? A parent does not realize it yet, until they become an accomplice to their child’s crime. If that child who is now an adult committed a crime, his or her parents would hide her/him or they could hire the best lawyers in the country. Again as parents we are in one way or another responsible for our children’s actions whether we like it or not.

All the emotions that we are feeling are what makes us what we are and we must not let it drive us.  We must be the master of our emotion.  If your loved one died, move on, don’t let grief take you. If your partner cheated on you, move on; don’t let jealousy and anger overcome you. Do you know that most of the murders committed are crimes of passion?

If your supervisor scolded you, don’t get angry or quit your job, learn from it. Quit your job only if it is no longer beneficial to you but never quit because of your supervisor. Accept the irony that you need them to climb up the ladder of success and their hurting words are part of the salary. The irony is you get paid to be treated that way. In the end you could be in her or his position and you already know what it feels like to be an underdog.

I know all of this is easier said than done.  That is why there are helpful activities for people who are not strong enough to control their emotions.  There is anger management for those who could not control their anger.  There is prayer to calm your nerves.  Yoga is a really great exercise; because It is calming and help you control your emotion and create a balance in your life.  One thing also it is hard to suppress anger so it is better to let it out in your exercises.  One helpful tip is you have to have a punching bag at home. Punch at it every night before you get to bed and unleash your anger at it. It is very satisfying especially if you have a mental picture of the person you are angry at. 

One important thing, I know how it feels like to lose someone you love in death, How it feels like to cry in grief.  Death is inevitable the only key is acceptance. Even if you have a time machine, you cannot change the past.  Your guilt or regret could not help you; it could only pull you back to grief. Accept and move on.

See the movie it’s great.

Being a Widow

I came to realize today as I’ve been thinking of my past and the decisions that I’ve made. I came to think of the what if. What if I married Mr.____ than my husband I would not have become a widow? Although I only have one past boyfriend than my husband there could have been many other possibilities. I will only enter a relationship for the purpose of marriage so that has made me very picky.

No offense to my husband but I love my life today. Life as a widow has its pros and cons just like a wife has. You are the only one who will decide especially financial decisions which suits me. In marriage any decision that a spouse do can really affect the family more importantly financial decisions. What a person decides especially also involving morality will seriously affect the marriage and jealousy is the most annoying part of a relationship. Distrust as the effect of unfaithfulness is also exasperating and can weaken any relationship that was built for years. Whether we admit it or not we are just human and imperfect as we are, were prone to mistakes. I just hope no one in a relationship will make it as an excuse to be unfaithful but that is what usually happens. The feeling that involves all of this is really a waste of our precious time. What I dont like about marriage is the chaotic tendencies of a married life and all the emotions that is involved in it.  The tug of war in making decision and accepting failed expectations.

 What I only hate about the state I'm in is dealing with loneliness of being a widow but being married doesnt spare anyone from feeling the same way too. Living this life we must put it into our mindset that all we have today are just borrowed and one day God will take it back, even our life. We will work hard to accumulate all the things we have today but in the end we will die and we will lose all of it. Experience is all that matters because it can’t be taken away from us. Our experiences in this life will become a part of our soul. I made a vow to myself that I’m going to live a beautiful life without regrets but also without jeopardizing the welfare of my children because they are my top priority.

Thus, we all should live this life without regrets because no matter what happens, we should remember that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called for his purpose.

The scent of your perfume

It’s been more than a year since I posted in this blog because my husband died in 2011 and my life as a widow is a big adjustment for me. I guess life must go on and my heart continuous beating. I have two children to love and be loved in return and I guess love just never run out if you share it with someone.

It is really hard to move on if you lost someone you love especially if it is your spouse but life must go on because you have to love yourself too. Self love is the most important thing in this world because no matter what happens you can still survive. If you don’t love yourself enough you cannot share it with someone and you will never be happy. If the person you love is the only thing that makes you happy then you cannot survive the challenges of life and might as well dig your own grave. Happiness comes from within; you have to celebrate life ‘because you only have one life to live.

When he died, I cried almost everyday. Even before he died I cried everyday because I’ve seen him suffered in the ICU. I think if crying extensively can kill I would have died. It is the most painful part of my life that I would never want to experience again.

When I was growing up, I use to read fairytales and hope someday I would also meet my prince charming. I did meet him but life is no fairytale. It is so difficult to find your mate and then gone in an instant, like a flick of a finger. When I married my husband I came to realize that there is no such thing as a prince charming just an ogre called SHREK but despite his flaws I still loved him. Love is really not superficial but accepting the person as he is, imperfect, rude and sometimes hard headed.

Today, I still miss him especially when I see a man that resembles him. Man in uniform that is for sure, I would stare at a policeman and see my husband in them. I would look at Coco Martin’s cute smile and I would remember him looking at me. I remember him when I smell his perfume on others and even when I see his gesture or body movement from someone. Remembering him doesn’t give me tears anymore but it would put a smile on my face because I reminisce the good times we had than the bad times. Life is after all like a music, there is a high tune and a low tune and the inevitable ending.

A thought to Ponder 2

It’s Friday again and it’s time to think spiritually. Today let’s think about a love of a parent to a child. As we all know we loved our children they are a miracle from God. We can just imagine how could a single cell become a person slowly and grows inside you for 9 months it’s really awesome just thinking about it. When I think about my child today I still can’t believe how she became what she is today so full of life. When I think about it I still can’t believe that my body could supply all the necessary nutrients to build her body when she was still inside of me. She and her brother are like angels sent from heaven and the source of my happiness. Like all parents before us we still have to think of the future ahead of us what will they be like in their teens and God forbid could they grow up to be rebellious like other sons and daughters?

How does one react when the child grows up to be rebellious? What would you do if you were in that situation in the future? Please post your comments on your blog and let me know thanks.